Go Ahead, Talk It Up!

Published December 20, 2009

The festive season is in full swing and with it the dreaded spate of office holiday parties and other occasions calling for small talk. Will you put your foot in your mouth? Or will you fail to open your mouth at all, while others speak volubly and effortlessly?

Maybe you’re out of work, dragging yourself to industry events because you’ve heard time and again that people land jobs through networking – in other words, it really is all about who you know. But you can’t seem to establish rapport with people, let alone relationships. You stutter and stammer and eventually slink off into a corner.

The art of small talk is lost on you. Make no mistake, though – it’s no “small” skill in this job market. Keeping or landing a position often depends on an influential person taking a shine to you, and first impressions are made through small talk.

The easiest approach is a no-nonsense introduction – “Hi! I’m so-and-so!” followed by an open-ended question, says Carl Wellenstein, author of “12 Steps to a New Career” (Career Press, 2009), which has a chapter on communication. You can simply ask the other person what brought them to the event, what they do for a living or whether they’re familiar with the keynote speaker.

After posing a question, “Listen for an opportunity to establish common ground or a matching experience” and then proceed with a follow-up question, says Jill Bremer of the Oak Park, Ill.-based business consultancy Bremer Communications.

For example, you could ask how the weather affected the other person’s commute, listen attentively and then say, “I had a two-hour commute before I moved to Chicago, so I feel your pain. Now I take the train. How is the public transportation system here in St. Louis?”

“If you ask the right questions and get the other person going, they’ll think you’re a great conversationalist even if you don’t say much,” Bremer says.

Make a point of arriving early. “If you get there and there are already 100 people in groups talking, it’s very difficult for an introvert to break in,” Wellenstein says.

If you arrive late, “just go stand by the food table, not the bar area because people just work their way up through the line and then make their way back to their merry little groups,” Bremer says.

However, people tend to linger over the buffet. “And there are all sorts of conversation starters right in front of you – ‘Have you tried this? Is it spicy?’”

Where groups have formed, approach one that’s having fun. “Lightly touch the back of someone’s arm and ask, ‘Do you mind if I join you?’ Then you can ask, ‘How do you all know each other?’ At that point, introductions will go around and you’re in,” she says.

Before gatherings, Bremer recommends poring over USA Today. She says it contains “the perfect base of knowledge for making small talk,” including a news capsule for each state, which comes in handy at national conferences.

Another of Bremer’s tricks is to come prepared with five things you want to learn and five you wish to share – mundane things, like the hottest new restaurant or the name of a talented graphic designer. “They might not come up in conversation, but if there’s a lull you can lob one in,” she says.

Although landing a job may be your goal, it is not the purpose of small talk. “Who’s hiring?” should not be on your list of five things – even at a networking event.

“The purpose of small talk is to build rapport, and the purpose of building rapport is to build a relationship and the purpose of building a relationship is to build business – in that order,” Bremer says.

To that end, after you converse with people, jot down what you learned on their business cards. Then, “The next time you run into them you can review your notes and start at square two,” advancing the relationship, Bremer says.

Once small talk evolves into deep or lively conversation, you may be tempted to stay put. But to cultivate contacts, “You’ve got to work the room,” Bremer says.

The way to cement a new contact before moving on is to ask to arrange a follow-up meeting for coffee or lunch.

If you’ve sincerely tried but just aren’t clicking with someone, borrow Bremer’s graceful exit strategy. Say, “I’ve really enjoyed talking with you, but I don’t want to monopolize your time. I’m sure there are others here you’d like to meet.”

- Written By Dawn Klingensmith